How I See You

I have decided that farewells and funerals share a lot in common, but not in the way you are thinking. Funeral give us an opportunity to celebrate a person we love, to bask in their accomplishments and good qualities. They also remind us of what is really important in life and that there is a plan more glorious and perfect than our minds and hearts can fully grasp. Our chests burn with love over the sweet remembrance of past memories, as well as a joy for what unknown, grand vistas of experience await us in life. I always walk away from such occasions feeling uplifted, inspired and with an overall sense of something I don't quite have the word for. Truth. I guess that is the best way to dictate that feeling, I feel truth. God has a beautiful plan for His children and true remembrance of that brings emotion and refreshment far beyond anything the world has to offer.

When I awoke this morning, I fully expected feelings of sadness and loneliness to accompany my day. My best, most trusted, beautiful, sweet, talented best friend was about to leave for a longer period than I have ever been without anything important to me. With the number of good-byes in my life, how could my heart not droop and the tears flow? But I have never been so unexpectedly and happily wrong. Golda Cristine Dopp's missionary farewell a spiritual, joyous occasion beyond anything I had expected. Every tear shed was an overflow of pure peace her decision to serve has brought into my heart. This is God's work, His truth, and His plan in action. Golda is prepared to completely dedicated herself to the saving of souls in Hong Kong. How I could I not feel the greatest of joy over that! Any feelings of sadness are completely swept away over the eternal significance and peace of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I want Golda to go. Today, for the first time, I really do want her to leave. The good she has to offer the world is unmeasurable and I don't for one more second want to keep that to myself.

Now, I want my words to take a bit of shift. This summer I have had ample time to indulge myself in reading for long hours. Each novel includes descriptions of characters, their appearance, their temperament, their motivations.  Talented authors can give you a clear picture and sum up of a person in just a few pages.  While reading these, I can't help but wonder how I myself would be so succinctly described. What is it about me that people see, think about, or remember? Over the past few days, however, my thoughts have turned to how I would describe one of my biggest influences on the pages of a novel. I don't claim to be a talented author, but here, dear Golda, is how I see you:

"A slender girl, nineteen but small for her age, swept open the front door and greeted me with a wide, white smile. Her deep auburn hair frames a cute, round face that provides her with the impish grin I have seen so many times. Her delicate hands and long, painted nails wave me happily inside.
As I step over the threshold and into the Dopp's home, feelings of warmth and welcome wash over me almost imperceptibly. I follow along behind Golda into the kitchen. Each step she takes is with purpose and grace, probably the result of years of ballet training. I slip quietly onto a barstool while Golda kindly asks if I would like a glass of water. I respond yes and then we sit and chat in the kitchen for a time. Golda's wide, hazel eyes sparkle in amusement and even roll back in delight when a comment is especially funny. Tonight her laugh is loud and abrupt, starting and ending without warning. She tips her head back and then rocks forward holding her stomach as we laugh about really anything and everything. Laughter always comes quickly and naturally when in the company of someone with such a profound inner happiness and love for life.

Not all days with Golda are so relaxed and informal, today a congregation of smiling faces looks up to her from the familiar church pews. As she speaks, it is clear these words and convictions are her very own. Golda was never one to believe something without personal consideration. Her sincerity of speech makes every humorous moment natural and testimony touching. She is confident, poised, and genuine in front of a crowd. Eyes are wet and hearts are inspired from the words spoken from this humble, yet powerful sister.

After the meeting she floats between friends, offering compliments and expressing love. Her face lights up and her smile widens with every new person she sees. No one is left behind or unwanted as Golda works her way down the isle. Everyone is important and Golda's gentle, yet enthusiastic temperament ensures they feel so.

Now this sweet friend will leave to be a missionary. She no doubt has fears and worries, but Golda chooses to let her optimism and charity be stronger. The tender love this older sister feels for her siblings will not falter, but grow and deepen through this experience. She is their leader, example, and friend. I count her life as one of my greatest blessings and sources of joy. While we will all miss her easy laugh, delicate features, and refined style, it is what's inside that will leave the biggest hole. Nevertheless, is without restraint and with excitement that we share our dear friend, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, and example with the people of Hong Kong, China."


Thank-you Golda for being a true friend. I'll see you a bit :)

These are Golda and I's farewell fish. Little flashback to elementary school I know. Just something (a really cute something) of each other to hold on to while we are apart!

We Might Have Been Happy

"Behold, these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy."  ~1 Nephi 17:21~

That last line really struck me. For Nephi, the family's time in the wilderness brought him closer to God. It brought to him the opportunity to feel pain, but also real joy. Nephi saw the good and the God in everyday, despite the sore trials that fell upon him. His experience in the wilderness became a preparation for the rest of his life. But all Laman and Lemual had to say was 'we might have been happy.' Their response made me wonder, how often do I let my circumstance dictate my mood? How many times have I let a worry steal away the joy of everyday living? It is certain that we will each have our own wilderness in which we must sometime wander; the question is will we be like Nephi and find joy, or idly lament its absence like Laman and Lemual. This week I have determined to not let the wilderness in which I currently roam rob me off a happy life. It would be a sin on my part to ignore the tender mercies a loving Father in Heaven so graciously imparts to me day by day. Moment by moment, actually. To Laman and Lemual I say, yes, you could have been happy. But you let your murmurings take that place in your heart. But I will not fall into the same trap. I choose to be happy.

A Long Chain of Golden Flowers

"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course could have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."
~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I love it when an author explicitly tells his readers to pause and think. And since this is my pal Charlie we are taking about it, I decided I'd better listen to him.  As I pondered over this idea of forming chains, however, I decided on one point I would like to add: the day of formation is not always memorable. Oftimes our actions are nothing exceedingly drastic or unusual, but rather normal tasks that escalate beyond anything we could have initially supposed. I have come to recognize such an event in my life that had no intended long-term effects, but truly has helped me see the world more clearly, yet love it more deeply.

Almost three years ago, in an effort to increase my summer earnings, I sent out a two or three line email advertising my babysitting services to the neighborhood. My sole intent was pick up a few extra jobs, and I didn't even know if that would happen. Soon enough, I received a call from Emily Hinchey, a niece of a woman in my ward. She wanted me to come and watch her two little girls, Claire (4) and Kate (2). They were living in an apartment near my home while they got their new home ready to move in. I spent many hours that summer trying (usually in vain) to entertain two toddlers in the limited space provided by the apartment.

Now, Claire will soon turn seven and Kate five. New Baby Jack turned one just a month ago (I can't believe that. Weren't Amy and I just trying to come with non-awkward way to ask if she expecting?). The family has been settled in their new house for sometime. So why does all this matter? Why do I think of that email has the formation of a chain of golden flowers?

Every little girl dreams of whom she will marry, of being a mother and caring for a home. Or at least I did. That most cherished dream was confronted with reality as I grew older, and especially as I moved to school. I began to see that truly opposition is in all things. Even our most righteous, purest desires are not immune. I saw the struggles of newly-married-starving-students living in a two room apartment with only ramen in the cupboard.  My friend's baby died completely unexpectedly following birth. My neighbor's child was born with a rare genetic disease with little information available. I saw marriages crumble over what I thought were stupid things. People I never imagined were losing their testimonies and hating on the church. Bad relationships, rushed relationships and even abusive relationships seemed to be everywhere. I began, for the first time, to have very real fears about family formation and happy marriages.

But the Hinchey's unconscious example gave comfort to my troubled skies. Here was a family not outwardly extraordinary in any way; they live a comfortable, happy, but not necessarily glamorous life. I have watched as they've slowly added furniture and décor to their home, nothing elaborate or expensive, but always clean and classy. I have been privileged to watched their children grow and develop personalities. To love Claire despite her endless sass and easily excitable temper. To let the stream of unwanted potty words out of Kate's mouth make me love her more. To watch helplessly as little Jack seems to grow noticeably between each of my visits. 

I have observed the way Emily and Bruce are a team in this parenting endeavor. Both are completely invested in raising good, helpful children. One night, the couple went to out to a chic-flick and came back late after the kids were already asleep. We made fun of and laughed for quite some time over the movie. That night I saw in Bruce and Emily young lovers who have grown up over the years, but have grown up together. Their love story may not ever make the movie-screens or magazines, but it is so real and enduring. Here is the kind of 'real-life', motivating love we should all be chasing.

Looking back over my chain of experiences with the Hinchey family, I guess what've I discovered Charlie, is a real change in myself and my expectations. Their example of a humble family striving to do their very best has touched me and, I feel, my future family. They showed me version of 'real-life' that is not something my Barbies ever acted out, but is so much better and so, so worth fighting for. The Hincheys may not have a three story mansion, swimming pool, and two BMWs in the garage, but they work hard to give their kids everything they actually need in life. I love the way Emily fosters good eating habits by always having fruits and veggies in the house. I love seeing the remains of an FHE activity on the floor Tuesday morning. I love the little love notes I find in the girls' rooms. There may still be clouds and gloom in my sky, but when I focus on the light cast by people like the Hincheys, I hardly even notice.

Sabbath Delights: He's Milking a Capri Sun.

Another mission farewell checked off my summer calendar today.

Ha ha. Isn't it funny how even the most significant events in life are whittled down to just mere pen scratches on our calendar; to be crossed off by a big black 'X' as the day ends and life runs along underneath our feet? Doesn't my calendar know that today wasn't normal so it should have gone slower, or just not happened at all? No, every little box looks exactly the same on paper and our additions to it will change nothing at all. 

Sorry folks, that rant was inevitable;). Today was my first and life-long best friend's farewell before she leaves to the Bismark, North Dakota mission. I once heard that a cousin's bond is something special because no one else can understand your family's crazy. Well, our families have more than their share fair of crazy, so our bond must be extra strong ;).  

When I was little, I used to measure life by trips to visit the Brian and Rita Haws family. Baby blessings, mission farewells, graduations, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Grandma's house--I only wanted to go if Emma was going to be there. I knew fun was guaranteed if Emma was involved and I was never wrong. She has always been one of those people where it doesn't matter what she says, I am going to laugh. My best childhood memories are the two of us swinging at Grandma's house, running around Larry and Kathy's, staying up until all hours on vacation, and lounging in food comas after a Sunday family gathering. 

My favorite part about being with Emma is her endless optimism and gift at finding humor in everything. She can laugh and poke fun at anyone in a way that makes them feel right at home. All the little cousins love her because she makes them feel just as important as the big kids. Our extended Haws family would be robbed of a lot of joy without Emma Jayne in the picture. She's everyone's favorite cousin and it is not hard to see why. There will definitely be a noticeable hole during her absence. 

I've discovered over the years, that I have a deep, ugly, belly laugh that only Emma seems to be able to pull out of me. It is probably the result of a lifetime of giggling and slumber parties. The quantity, and quality, of insides jokes we've got going is astonishing. Today I got one last good laugh out of her for 18 months: Her brother Jensen was squirting the contents of a Capri Sun pouch into a glass cup, when Emma looks at him, in the middle of our conversation, and goes, 'He's milking a Capri Sun.' I had to stop and laugh again just now, 'Milking'?! Only Emma haha :) I am going to have to stretch that one out for the next year and a half. 

Emma, I love you, I love you, I love you! 

Today, and really the whole weekend, I was struck by how incredibly blessed I have been by my extended family. On both sides. My Dad's family was all over yesterday for a family reunion and it was baby and toddler bliss. My Dad is the youngest by quite a bit in their family so all of his siblings kids have a little flock of their own. And they are adorable. I love to watch the boys I used to wrestle with comfort a crying a two-year old or tickle a baby's tummy. And their mothers are the perfect picture of what I hope to grow up to be, I feel so, so lucky to be surrounded by such amazing role models. I know the family is of God.

Grandma Abel selfies are my fav.

And the Haws family is just as wonderful. Again, my mother is the youngest, so I have amazing examples to look up to in life. I hope I can be as kind as Jessica, as sweet as Haley and as beautiful as Kylie; just to name a few. Their impact by example in my life is more powerful than they probably realize. Each of my six uncles and aunts are hilarious and kind. They make me feel special and loved without their hardly realizing it. The good they and their families do in the world will can never be measured. Truly a manifestation of God's love in my life. I know that my family will be there for me no matter what happens, and I most definitely delight in that.

My Summer Love

It twas by accident we met

into a pile of dull, familiar somehow you crept

Astonishing good luck or destiny; its yet to be seen,

But I have a strong feeling if you know what I mean.

I let out a gasp as you got closer,

My heart wasn't expecting this sort of roller-coaster.

But once you here and I was set completely at ease,

I am always so comfortable; never too tight do you squeeze.

You make me feel beautiful every single day,

Deep thought to my appearance has quickly faded away.

All in situations of life you are perfect

For me keeping free and feeling worth it.

Each morning I jump out of bed with glee

Knowing you're in the drawer waiting for me

Then together we stay all the day long

Never once parting because our love is that strong

From the very first second Mom loved you,

You remind her of days when she had a poofy 'do'.

Dad thinks your weird and out of wack

But it give time and he'll love you back.

Dearest high waisted, capri, flair, cropped wonder

Buying you was certainly no blunder!

Giving my 30$ away was such a joy

You are so much better than any dumb boy.

Me and you together all summer, what a dream!

Adventures are coming with us as a team.

A good pair of summer jeans is really all you need,

To have your heart calmed and your mind freed.

*This was meant to be comical. But really I love these pants.

Sabbath Delights: And Please Bless the Refreshments

Sister Crystal Draper, Sister Haley Fishburn and Elder Ethan Wilkinson will be powerful additions to the worldwide missionary force. I know that not only because of the moving testimonies they offered today, but because of the genuine, faithful people they were in high school. A smile pressed itself into my cheeks from the moment they stood up to the closing 'amen.' I can imagine the great pleasure their parents have in them by how proud I felt of my friends today. 

And of course, where ever there is a mission farewell enough food to feed a small army is never far away. Three 'after-parties' had me staring down more crock pots, casseroles and creative-Mormon salads than I'd care to count. And I don't even want to think about the dessert tables ;). I definitely had more than my fair share of refreshments after church today. As I sat regretting the last two trips the before-mentioned table I began to think about a different sort of refreshment I enjoy every Sunday, missionary farewell or not. This is something no chocolate chip cookie, yes even your grandmother's secret recipe, could ever match.

In Exodus 31:17 we read that the 'Lord made heaven and earth and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed (emphasis added).' For me, this refreshment has become the sweetest, most anticipated aspect of the Sabbath Day. I know that however many times I fall short in my goals and responsibilities that week, the cleansing and enabling power of the Savior's grace can and will enter back into my heart as I worship. I know for a fact that without the sweetness of Sabbath my commitment and faith in the Savoir would diminish quickly.

The word refresh has three definitions and I have seen each in action again and again. I believe it to be no coincidence this word was used in the scripture above:

1. To give new strength or energy to; reinvigorate. This is my favorite definition :) I always need new strength, energy and re-invigoration. Today, I was given a renewed energy toward the Book of Mormon during a Relief Society lesson. 'The scripture field is white and ready to harvest.' 

2. Stimulate or jog someone's memory by checking or going over previous information. Thank goodness for this one! Spiritual integrity, or remembering and being true to past experiences, is of the utmost importance in my life. This quote has pulled me through many a times: 'To ignore and discount past spiritual experiences will distance us from God."- Elder Vern P, Stanfill. Read the rest of my favorite talk here.

3. Revise or update skills or knowledge. When I was little I used to complain that I knew everything about the scriptures so I didn't need to go to church. Ha ha! There is always more to learn about a gospel that is everlasting.

Anyway, the next time you come to the end of a church function and the nervous 12-year-old blesses that the donuts will nourish and strengthen our bodies, maybe remember the other kind of refreshment you may have received that day. I will amen anytime to a blessing upon renewed strength, a jogged memory and updated knowledge. 

And please bless my refreshments.

Advice from Charles Dickens for the 2016 Graduates.

Hey graduating class of 2016, Charles Dickens and I have some words for you. Charles will go first:

"I whistled and made nothing of going. But the village was very peaceful and quiet, and the light mists were solemnly rising, as if to show me the world, and I had been so innocent and little there, and all beyond was so unknown and great, that in a moment with a strong heave and sob I broke into tears. It was by the fingerpost at the end of the village, and I laid my hand upon it, and said, 'Goodbye, O my dear, dear friend!'
     Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle."-Charles Dickens, Great Expectations  (p. 208)

Thanks for using your magic and summing up moving away from home Charlie, you're a pal.

My fingers keep putting pressure on the keys, but the backspace steals the letters away again. Perhaps I have nothing left to add besides this:

• There is an exhilarating magic when literature speaks your own heart.
• Its okay when things are a bigger deal than you thought. And its okay to cry about it.

Sabbath Delights: You are enough for Him. Right now.

Today was my first day at the Mountain Road YSA ward. I brought the best of my buddies Rachel Cottle along for moral support :) I have been debating whether to stay in my home ward or go to YSA for a month now. With the amount of mission farewells I have in the few months before heading back to Logan, it didn't seem worth it to take on a brand new ward. But I had a good experience today and am excited to get to know the people better over the next few weeks.

Our Relief Society lesson consisted of the leadership sharing brief testimonies about our divine identity. Each testified of a time they had felt they were a daughter of God. One sister presented her testimony on this subject so clearly and succinctly that it just rang true in my heart. Rather than using the usual words and lines used to bear testimony on this subject she gave something that was all her own. She began by talking about how she had felt her Dad had pushed her really hard when she was growing up. He always wanted to how ballet class was going and would practice with her in the backyard despite his complete lack in ballet expertise. One day in a bout of frustration she said, "I am never good enough for you! Every time I do something you just want to know what I am going to do next." Her dad then explained that she was perfectly enough for him. Instead, he was pushing her to be the best for herself. This father loved his daughter no matter what, but he wanted her to reach the fullest of her potential. So he had to push her.

This father-daughter relationship is something I can relate to very personally. My own Dad has always pushed us to not settle with any accomplishment but immediately begin planning for the next one. No paper I wrote, no dance I performed, or grade I received ever seemed to be good enough for him. The question was always, 'what's next?' I can clearly remember one conversation we had on the way to ballet years ago. Our car sat in the waiting to turn into the alley as it had a hundred times before when out of the blue (my Dad is a deep thinker, at all times of day, so out of the blue comments are fairly regular) he turned to me and said, "Well Emily, you've made the Dance Company, ballet is going great, and you've held your 4.0.What's up next? What's the next goal?" I don't remember what I said back, but I do remember feeling frustrated and under appreciated. Where was my gold star and pat on the back? Weren't the accomplishments he had listed off enough to earn me his approval? Could I ever do enough to be good enough for him?

I have since learned that I have always been enough for my Dad. He expresses his love and approval in different ways than most, but I treasure our relationship more than most. There have been countless times where his has surprised me by saying something like 'I was thinking about what you said Emily, ' or 'I was thinking you'd be really good at,' followed by some elaborate plan that lets me know I've been on his mind. I have had to learn that his insistence to do and be more stems from his love for me and not his disapproval. My Dad wants me to reach the fullest extent of my abilities and the only way to do that is to test them. So when he won't stop insisting I go for an MBA or begin my own professional writing company or when he urges Amy to somehow play her trumpet and dance the Spanish solo in the Nutcracker (yep that one is on going) I no longer feel annoyed or chastened but loved. He suggests these things because he sees a potential that is at best hazy in my eyes.

This relationship with my Dad has helped me to understand the way our Heavenly Father loves His children. We were sent here to progress, and therefore the question 'what's next?' is always of the utmost importance. No trial we overcome or faith we prove or accomplish we make is to earn God's love, we always have that. Rather is is because He love us and knows what must happen in order for us to become the best we can. President Uchtdorf describes this beautifully:

"It is good to remember that you are always a child of God. This knowledge will carry you through the most difficult times in your life and will inspire you to accomplish remarkable things. However, it is also important to remember that being a daughter of eternal parents is not a distinction you earned or you will ever lose. You will always and forever remain a daughter of God. Your Heavenly Father has high aspirations for you, but your divine origin alone does not guarantee you a divine inheritance. God sent you here to prepare for a future greater than anything you can imagine." 


That is most definitely something to delight in :). Despite my outward complaints, I am forever grateful for my Dad's lectures, the third book of Timothy (did I mention my Dad's name is Tim?.... and there are only two books of Timothy ;)), and a love that has no qualifications; both on Earth and in Heaven.