Sabbath Delights: Fought Most Desperately

First day in my new student ward. I definitely went into church with some questions and worries on mind. For the last few weeks of summer, I have felt an absence of something from my life. Outwardly nothing was amiss: my nannying job was wonderful, my family was free from any illnesses, and I was ecstatic about my upcoming semester at USU. But there seemed to be a lack of the deep sense of spirituality I had thrived on in the earlier months. My scripture study was consistent, but lacking real feeling. Confidence I felt I had on gospel subjects was waning.  My time spent among the negativity of Facebook was reaching inordinate levels. My thoughts and I had many hours alone together while two-year-old Eion took his daily nap. At first, I looked forward with great anticipation to these afternoons and the time it provided to study. But I soon found myself consumed by thoughts I didn't want and with no distractions to relieve me. I occasionally woke Eion up early as to have someone, even a tiny someone, to talk to.

I had an inkling of what was causing my current funk, and today it was illuminated clearly. Here was the problem: my summer life was too easy.

Yep, my problem was that life had been too easy for too long. Nannying the sweetest baby presented no real opportunities for growth. I rarely met new people from whom to learn from. There were no challenging school assignments to push me to explore. I didn't take any vacations to let my eyes enjoy new landscapes and ways of life. Everything was easy, familiar and calm. Everyday. There was no battle to become something that summer. At first this was a welcome change of pace from being a stressed out freshman. But soon I began to really miss the busyness of school. Without questions to confront, scripture study was without real power. I was surrounded by diverse people to learn to love and serve. My life was just kinda floating along leisurely. My soul longed for the rush that accompanies revelation like what I had received earlier regarding a big decision. It was time for change.

In Sunday School, the teacher brought the classes attention to a verse that captured my feelings and taught me what needed to happen in my life. Alma 57:19:

"But behold, my little band of two thousand and sixty fought most desperately..."

The teacher elaborated on the verse by discussing how she too had felt something was lacking in her summer life. Her scripture had too becoming more of a check-list. And prayers robotic. She then shared how this verse and a talk by Sister Nelson helped her to snap out of it. Sister Nelson says:

"Desperation can actually be a great motivator. Clearly, the Prophet Joseph Smith experienced intense desperation in Liberty Jail. He pled with the Lord, "O God, where art thou?" Because of such intense spiritual desperation, the Prophet received some of the most sublime revelations of this dispensation. When we're desperate to be guided by heaven, we work harder than ever to tune in to heaven."

This idea of desperation as a motivator struck both the teacher and me. We saw a need to fight more desperately to become the people we want to be. To be more aware of spiritually deadening influences in our lives. I went home and eager to read the rest of Sister Nelson's talk. It was just what I was needing in my life. These words had me pinned:

"When we’re desperate to become the people we were born to be, our vision changes. We wake up from the spiritual amnesia the adversary so cleverly administers, and suddenly we see things about ourselves, others, and our lives we’ve never seen before. The world’s “fun” and “entertainment” start to look almost ridiculous, perhaps even spiritually dangerous. We begin to see the adversary’s tricks and traps for what they really are—temptations to make us forget our true identity and our destination....The scriptures become our "go-to source" for answers and for the comfort we may realize we've been seeking online."

It is moments like this I know God is perfectly aware of us. No need, concern or worry goes unnoticed. Heavenly Father knew exactly how frustrated I was feeling. He knew what I needed to hear and what needed to change. This semester I am going to begin a more concentrated, deliberate effort to become who I want to be. I am going to be more alert to the spiritual amnesia in my life. I believe that as we do those things that allow the Spirit to accompany our lives, we can know what to do. Our lives will become much greater than if left to our own devices.

I love this gospel! This religion! This life!