We need birthdays.

I love crazy, overenthusiastic celebration of birthdays. I'd even confidently say that I believe in celebrating birthdays. We need to. Humans are painfully imperfect, and often wait upon occasion to express themselves. Without birthdays, a lot of love would go unshared and words unspoken. I enjoy my friends' and family member's birthdays even more than my own. To think seriously over what would excite and surprise them the most is thrilling. Finding that perfect gift or activity gives you a serious case of the warm fuzzys. We all love people, we just need birthdays to push us into expressing it.

Today happens to be my day of birth. And do you wanna know the best part of today? Not the new dress, or notebook, cake or even ice cream, it was the kind, heartfelt text messages I received steadily throughout the day. It seemed like every time I pulled out my phone there were happy words staring back me. Not many people I was with today knew it was my birthday, but you guys did. Thank you for voicing your love. I felt it. The few moments you took to send me a message added up to make my homework filled day beautiful. I feel inspired to share love more freely and abundantly because of how good I felt today. No matter how good life might be going, or how confident someone may seem, we all need to be told we are loved and have desirable qualities now and again.

My dear Jess wrote me a particularly beautiful message that had my make-up cried off by the end of the first paragraph. Being told you are pretty, or stylish or cute is great and good and I thank you all for it. But when someone pens in thought out prose that you possess the very quailites you desire most to have, it moves something in you. Not to appear vain, but it helps you recognize them in yourself. The little things we dislike within us can easily bury the things we do. Sometimes the only solution is for someone else to dig us out. Thanks Jess.

Thank you everybody. I hope we can speak our love and then speak it again.

Sabbath Delights: Fought Most Desperately

First day in my new student ward. I definitely went into church with some questions and worries on mind. For the last few weeks of summer, I have felt an absence of something from my life. Outwardly nothing was amiss: my nannying job was wonderful, my family was free from any illnesses, and I was ecstatic about my upcoming semester at USU. But there seemed to be a lack of the deep sense of spirituality I had thrived on in the earlier months. My scripture study was consistent, but lacking real feeling. Confidence I felt I had on gospel subjects was waning.  My time spent among the negativity of Facebook was reaching inordinate levels. My thoughts and I had many hours alone together while two-year-old Eion took his daily nap. At first, I looked forward with great anticipation to these afternoons and the time it provided to study. But I soon found myself consumed by thoughts I didn't want and with no distractions to relieve me. I occasionally woke Eion up early as to have someone, even a tiny someone, to talk to.

I had an inkling of what was causing my current funk, and today it was illuminated clearly. Here was the problem: my summer life was too easy.

Yep, my problem was that life had been too easy for too long. Nannying the sweetest baby presented no real opportunities for growth. I rarely met new people from whom to learn from. There were no challenging school assignments to push me to explore. I didn't take any vacations to let my eyes enjoy new landscapes and ways of life. Everything was easy, familiar and calm. Everyday. There was no battle to become something that summer. At first this was a welcome change of pace from being a stressed out freshman. But soon I began to really miss the busyness of school. Without questions to confront, scripture study was without real power. I was surrounded by diverse people to learn to love and serve. My life was just kinda floating along leisurely. My soul longed for the rush that accompanies revelation like what I had received earlier regarding a big decision. It was time for change.

In Sunday School, the teacher brought the classes attention to a verse that captured my feelings and taught me what needed to happen in my life. Alma 57:19:

"But behold, my little band of two thousand and sixty fought most desperately..."

The teacher elaborated on the verse by discussing how she too had felt something was lacking in her summer life. Her scripture had too becoming more of a check-list. And prayers robotic. She then shared how this verse and a talk by Sister Nelson helped her to snap out of it. Sister Nelson says:

"Desperation can actually be a great motivator. Clearly, the Prophet Joseph Smith experienced intense desperation in Liberty Jail. He pled with the Lord, "O God, where art thou?" Because of such intense spiritual desperation, the Prophet received some of the most sublime revelations of this dispensation. When we're desperate to be guided by heaven, we work harder than ever to tune in to heaven."

This idea of desperation as a motivator struck both the teacher and me. We saw a need to fight more desperately to become the people we want to be. To be more aware of spiritually deadening influences in our lives. I went home and eager to read the rest of Sister Nelson's talk. It was just what I was needing in my life. These words had me pinned:

"When we’re desperate to become the people we were born to be, our vision changes. We wake up from the spiritual amnesia the adversary so cleverly administers, and suddenly we see things about ourselves, others, and our lives we’ve never seen before. The world’s “fun” and “entertainment” start to look almost ridiculous, perhaps even spiritually dangerous. We begin to see the adversary’s tricks and traps for what they really are—temptations to make us forget our true identity and our destination....The scriptures become our "go-to source" for answers and for the comfort we may realize we've been seeking online."

It is moments like this I know God is perfectly aware of us. No need, concern or worry goes unnoticed. Heavenly Father knew exactly how frustrated I was feeling. He knew what I needed to hear and what needed to change. This semester I am going to begin a more concentrated, deliberate effort to become who I want to be. I am going to be more alert to the spiritual amnesia in my life. I believe that as we do those things that allow the Spirit to accompany our lives, we can know what to do. Our lives will become much greater than if left to our own devices.

I love this gospel! This religion! This life!

Sabbath Delights: Pleasure and Joy

There are many things I find pleasurable in this world. Freshly washed blankets, warm peach cobbler, and early summer air, just to name a few. But no matter how soft and beautiful the blanket, it quickly loses its fresh smell and eventually its soft touch. The peach cobbler, while perfectly delicious in the moment will leave an aching belly in its wake if I am not careful. And that morning air turns hot and sticky much faster than I'd like. These simple things are very real and very enjoyable, but don't last long.

In Sunday School today, we discussed what it means to be happy. Many in this world claim happiness in spite of their disregard for commandments and moral laws. People are ignorantly content with their freshly washed blankets, or so to speak. They do not see a need for more because they are already happy. The pleasures of this world are bountiful and nearly limitless, but they are also hollow and with unreliable. President David O. Mckay's sums it up:

There is meant to be so much more to life than a fun camping trip, round of golf, or even warm peach cobbler.

But unfortunately for us narrow-minded humans, joy is not as easily obtained as is pleasure. We must develop the capacity to feel it. It was once explained to me like this: when we experience pain it is as if a great reservoir is being dug within us. The deeper our sufferings the deeper the well. A large hole will remain carved by the injustice, betrayal or rejection we have endured. Because of Christ's sacrifice, however, that hole can now become a reservoir for joy. We can hold more of it because of the hole carved by suffering. Our capacity for joy is increased. That is part of the reason we need adversity in our lives. Because of him no pain ever need be permanent. Rather, that pain elevates us to higher ground.

Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve apostles posted the following on his Facebook page:

"I spent some time during our summer break time reading C. S. Lewis’s "The Great Divorce." I was intrigued by much of what I read. One quote in particular that I... have continued to ponder is:

“[Mortals] say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss can make up for it,’ not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say ‘Let me but have this and I’ll take the consequences’: little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man’s past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man’s past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say, ‘We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven,’ and the Lost, ‘We were always in Hell.’ And both will speak truly.”

Rather than have our mistakes, disappointments, struggles, and trials push us “downward,” we can use them to help us build toward heaven. That is what it means to come unto Christ. As we allow His atoning sacrifice to redeem us, heal us, and strengthen us, we become what we came to earth to become."

How grateful I am to know, and believe, that because of him my time on earth has meaning and purpose. Because of him we can all find joy again.

Those Olympic Commercials Though

I love the Olympics.

My family pays absolutely no attention to sports except the Olympics. But do you want to know what may be even better than watching these world class athletes compete? Watching them play actor. I'm going to go ahead and say that Olympic commercials are even better than the Superbowl's; bold statement I know. *Note: the only reason I even know about the Superbowl is because my mom has six sports enthused brothers. I usually don't even know who is playing until the day of.

In the minutes between NBC coverage, it appears that someone turned 'Merica!' onto full blast and forgot to turn it off. One of my favorites this year has to be the Gillette Venus razor commercial featuring Gabby Douglas. P&G is using America's buff sweetheart to convince us that we need a fancy ($9.00) razor to swipe hair off our legs. Am I the only one who finds that funny? Not athletic equipment or health food, but razors. Watching the commercial almost makes you think that rubbing that thing across your leg will produce calves like Gabby's. And speaking of health food, how ironic is it that McDonalds is the Official Restaurant of the Olympics? As if these athletes can allow such horrendous junk food in their diet while in training. I've always wondered if the athletes love shooting the McDonald's commercial because they get to indulge in the fatty goodness that is a large contributor to this nation's health epidemic. Merica!

One more, than I'll move on. The Liberty Mutual Insurance Team USA Medals commercial. This one is so 'Merica!' that I almost can't even. Kayla Harrison, she brought home America's first gold medal in Judo, appears on screen assuring us that we 'already know' what it feels like to earn an Olympic gold medal. The shot then cuts to her jogging through a green, clean, picturesque American neighborhood. She passes a man affectionately cleaning his car--his bronze medal, if you will. Next is a young couple lovingly moving boxes from a truck into their new home--their silver medal. And lastly, we run past a young, fit mother pushing her 'gold' in a stroller as she walks. The Great American Dream in thirty seconds, with Liberty Mutual to protect it. Ah hometown, cultural values--what would advertisers prey on without them? Please don't think me a harsh critic, I just find this stuff hilarious. #consumerAmerica.

With that said, it appears all this perseverance, go-for-the-gold vibe is rubbing off on me. If what I am about to say sounds like the next Team USA McDonalds script, well, you can't say I didn't warn you.

I believe everyone should do something that makes them feel like an athlete.

As I am in the midst of my 'figuring out what the heck to do with my life' phase, I started doing a little writing exercise in my journal. I write 'This Much I Know' at the top of a page and then jot down an idea or belief that I feel I can say I really know. Here is one I wrote a few months ago:

This much I know: Running alleviates the pressure to make the needed room for enlightenment. How I treasure my solitary runs surrounded by snow-dusted mountains and hand painted skies. The rhythm of my breath and pounding of my feet clears my head and restores my confidence like no other remedy. 40 minutes of pumping legs can turn a day of self-doubt and discouragement to a time of self-love and renewal to try again. Our bodies are capable of SO much and I pity those that do not experiment with its potential. I am surely no athlete or ballerina, but I have often looked on in amazement at how my muscles can adapt so quickly to what I require of them. One of my greatest aspirations in life is to maintain good health so that I may continue to explore the great creation God has gifted me to house my spirit. I want to always be climbing mountains and soaking in nature's exquisite beauty--no matter how old I am. How dreadfully awful to be contained to a chair or bed for so many precious years of life. No, I will use everyday gifted to me to marvel at the great outside.

Let me reiterate: I am nothing close to an athlete. I've never competed, unless you count that one 5K race I did in junior high. But I do love to run. There is a beautiful hollow with a nice trail through the middle near my home. If I run to the hollow, then down and back through it, and back to my house it is about three miles. And when I'm feeling good I'll add another two mile loop before returning home. The hollow is full of tall, strong trees with a quaint, little stream trickling through the middle. It is beautiful during all seasons of the year. My feet have crunched dry leaves, dodged icy patches, and squished in spring mud many times over the past three years. I will probably never run marathon, but this trail and I have become pretty good friends.

During this time of Olympic fever I can't help but pretend I'm Simone Biles as I leap over-dramatically across the tiny stream. (My usual trip upon landing keeps reality in check ;)) Or try and channel my inner Ledecky to sprint up the final hill. I certainly don't look like an athlete or time like an athlete, but I can feel like one. And that is what's important. Who cares that I probably look like a drunk walrus in running tights. Don't think you can't explore your muscles' potential because you're not a 'sporty' person. We are capable of so much! The human body, your human body, will amaze you if you give it the chance. Don't let imaginary labels keep you from something better. A world of possibility, accomplishment, and self-confidence awaits you.

Go Team USA.

Go Merica.

Go You.

*ba ba ba da da. I'm lovin' it.

Sabbath Delights: Truly Every Good Thing

LDS Young Single Adult wards are a unique phenomena in the world. Think about it, where else do young adults voluntary come and teach and participate in religious discussions every week. For three hours. Relief Society for Women, Elders Quorum for Men, Sunday School for everyone; it is all taught, conducted and organized by young adults ages 18-30. And more than the logistics of it all, the pure belief and commitment demonstrated by these youth astounds me. We really believe this. A twenty-two old boy isn't going to spend his time preparing a Sunday School lesson unless he recognizes the importance of his calling. Everyone there is so sincere. I am so glad I chose to brave the singles ward this summer. They have taught me so much.

As the day progressed, my reflection over singles wards expanded to the entire Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Today I could easily see how truly every good thing I have in my life is because of Jesus Christ and his restored church. I began to make mental lists of the blessings and would like to share them here. This is not by any means a comprehensive list, just a few things that stood out to me today.

"That the communication of thy faith may become effectual by the acknowledging of every good thing which is in you in Christ Jesus." ~Philemon 1:6

Blessings from a strong family unit:

• Really, my motivation for gaining an education begins with my family. I am so grateful that my parents set the expectation of a college education. Going to school has truly been an exercise for the mind and soul. It is something I wish everyone to experience. If not for the institution and emphasis on families I don't know what I might have done. I testify of the blessing that come as we obey the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother'.
• My sisters. Truly our relationships bring the greatest joy to me. The role of big sister is something I treasure and revere. I love my brothers and treasure our relationships also, but something about my sisters, at least at this time of life, is sweet above all else.
• Constant support and love. A family foundation is the strongest foundation.  

Study of The Book of Mormon:

• A kinder, softer heart
• More ambition to do and accomplish things in life.
• More aware of my judgmental attitudes and how to stop them.
• More aware of the world. How to feel the truth and detect the lies.
• A personal relationship with Christ.
• Happiness! Everyday!
• A knowledge that God is aware of me.
• Deeper understanding of gospel doctrines.
• Real connections with the people described in the book.
• A testimony of the book!
• Answers to the quiet questions of my heart.
• Finding application to the world today.
• A closeness to the atonement
• Learning to recognize and follow the spirit. 

The Temple:

• A symbol of the great love Heavenly Father has for us, and His desire that we return to be with Him.
• To be apart of the work of salvation of souls who have passed on.
• To taste of the joy that comes from a covenant keeping life.
• Peace from perspective.
• Clarity between right and wrong.
• Worldly distractions are left at the door. It is as if they cannot even enter your mind. I really, really love that.
• A strong remembrance of who we really are and why we need to be here.
• Personal revelation at any time I need it. This is available always, but especially clear in the temple.

Church Attendance:

• Have you been reading my Sabbath Delight posts??;) If not, go back and read them. Every week is beautiful. And needed.
• Feelings of unity and belonging.
• Participation in the ordinance of the sacrament.
• Singing hymns.
• The experience of others. Struggles, joys-everything.
• A sense of responsibility through fulfilling calls to serve.
• No where do I feel more treasured and respected as a woman than at church.
• Creating meaningful relationships with my neighbors.
• Opportunities to serve and do good.

Oh there is so much more. But these are the things I felt grateful for today. I hope you don't see this as a religious sales pitch, but an honest expression of thanks and belief. These blessing are real and in my life.

"Wherefore I beseech of you brethren, that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ."

~Moroni 7:19

Sabbath Delight: Sunday Walks

I woke up to the beauty that is falling rain during a hot, hot summer. The faucet turned off and on all day long keeping the air cool and refreshing. It was a welcome change from the heat of early August. Water droplets danced playfully through the swirl of cotton-candy pink and baby-boy blue clouds that filled the sky. Rainbows formed and then melted away as if on orchestrated cues. Pockets of sunshine wiggled their way through the scene, making my mountains take life and glow. Thunder laughed along as it crackled confidently in the not-so-distance. Flashing artworks of lightening stole my breath and attention, anxiously I awaited the next brief preview of blinding light. A daring solo amongst the beauty. Then we joined the dance. Though feet on the ground, we strolled through the sky. The warm rain splattering on our heads-- a clear invitations to join in the fun. Each breath is delicious and clear.

Sunday walks with my family are something I will treasure forever. Amy and I will sometimes walk for twenty or thirty minutes if we have time. It is fun to talk and wave to neighbors, and complete strangers. I hope our energetic smiling and waving have brightened someone's day :)

Zit Talk

At my house, all long-term residents are keenly, and repeatedly, made aware of my 'no zit talk' policy. Whatever my people need to talk over I will gladly listen--except skin care. Anytime a family member begins to complain, I throw my hands up in the air and make them stop. I don't what to hear about whatever just went down in front of the bathroom mirror, and you had better have cleaned off any shrapnel. If you want to relive any gory details, make sure Emily is out, way out, of the vicinity first. That is the policy I have worked to establish in a house of four teenagers. And its worked, mostly. But today I feel impressed to share my painful, both emotionally and physically, struggle against acne. I know this alignment is virtually nothing to the pain hundreds of people endure daily, but it can be super detrimental on a 13-year-olds self esteem. And for those of you who enjoyed clear skin in high school, read on, I hope to weave a universal principle of life into this one time episode of 'zit talk.' *shudders*

Here are the words from President Uchtdorf that got me thinking about this:

"In this [Charlie and the Chocolate Factory] classic children's story, people all over the world desperately yearn to find a golden ticket. Some feel that their entire future happiness depends on whether or not a golden ticket falls into their hands. In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the

simple joy they used to find in a candy bar."

I feel in the past few months I have forgotten the joy that comes from a candy bar, or in my case clear skin. I finally found my golden ticket only to realize it has lost its shiny luster because I shoved it crinkled in the junk drawer in my search for the next one.

I had rashes on my face from the time I was three years old. They came and went, not that I cared when I was that little. Sometime around the age of ten I got red, fiery bumps around my mouth that had to be taken care of through prescription pills twice a day. From then on it was a roller coaster of dermatologist visits and more varieties of creams and pills than I can even remember. But nothing worked for long. The zits and rashes would subside temporarily only to flare back up as my body adjusted to the medication. I cleaned my face a bit obsessively and watched in vain for correlation between certain foods and break-outs. Nothing lasted. 

And I hated it.

The sores were deep and long-lasting even with treatment. They covered my face and down my neck and shoulders. This was especially embarrassing during ballet classes. During the school year I would spend 20-30 minutes each morning vainly working to cover myself with make-up. But that often just irritated my skin further and made everything pulse and ache. It seemed to take so long to be sure nothing was bleeding or especially gross. I honestly felt I had to put in that time or feel bad for everyone who had to talk to me that day. And let's face it, (pun most definitely intended) we all have a certain mental image of the type of kids that have acne. Lazy, weak, greasy, pale and sits alone eating pizza drenched in ranch everyday for lunch etc. But I didn't, or at least didn't want to, see myself like that! I loved exercise, pretty things, making friends and being outside. In my mind, if I could just get rid of this stupid flaw, I could stop worrying about my appearance forever.

With all that said, I don't remember a time when my self-esteem was completely shattered over my complexion. Sure, there were times a few deep breaths in the bathroom stall were necessary before venturing back out, but overall it didn't hold me back. I had my family and the perspective of the gospel that helped me remember that this problem was only skin deep (pun most definitely intended again). This had nothing to do with the happy, bubbly teenager I really was. But no amount of positive thinking stopped painful outbreaks and the occasion tear of frustration. During those years I couldn't image a day where there wouldn't be red spots all over. But, I knew that if they ever did go away, I would be happy forever. ;)

It wasn't until the end of my fist semester of college that things began looking up. I had been on a low-dose of Accutane for almost six months at that point. At the beginning of the medication, everything was waayyy worse. This was to be expected with Accutane, but it was still awful. And not something I had planned on worrying about in college. ('planned worries'?? hmm, we'll talk on that one later.) Now, I've all but stopped stressing out over my skin. It is most obviously not flawless, but really so, so much better. What a luxury it is to wake up and not have to spend 20 minutes getting my face ready to face (okay, done with puns) the day!

But guess what? A perfect life didn't rush in as the zits faded out. I know big surprise ;) Way too soon, I moved on to my next 'golden ticket.' Bright white teeth, thicker hair, thinner legs, eyebrows, (haha blonde probs.) and blah, blah, blah. My insecure seventh grade self had gotten what she had plead for so desperately, but it wasn't enough. It was the harsh realization of my ungrateful, vain and idiotic attitude that helped me to stop waiting on happiness. Here's how President Uchtdorf pens it:

"The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in the pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."

Do you see what a valuable lesson those annoying little zits tried to teach me? Waiting to be happy is such a futile waste of time. Thoughts of, 'Oh once I...' or 'When this over I'll.,.' or even 'I can't wait until...' will stay with you forever if you let them.

Now, please don't think I pride myself on being immune to this trap. I've discovered much bigger issues in this world than bad skin to stress over. Waiting on love, careers, children, financial stability--all are real problems we all face. But I believe we can find reasons to be happy now. And really, what other choice do we have? Here's President Uchtdorf one more time,

"Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don't close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day's ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life."

Like these beautiful forget-me-nots.

Okay, zit talk over.